What really happens when two people experience "falling in love", and is this true love? Believe it or not, Dr. Peck very convincingly explains that falling in love, or infatuation, is not true love. Nobody can deny that when we fall in love with someone, the emotions we experience are very intense, and we feel wonderful and very happy. However, there are several problems with falling in love, that reveal it is not true love. 

First, falling in love almost always involves sexual desires. In contrast, through true love our purpose in loving is the other person's spiritual and personal growth, and satisfying our own sexual desires has little to do with the other's spiritual growth. People do not fall in love or become infatuated with their children, parents, brothers and sisters, although we can love them very deeply.

Second, the feelings associated with falling in love are usually temporary. The ecstatic feeling of being in love eventually passes. True love is permanent and should last a lifetime.

Third, the experience of falling in love is in reality a collapse of a portion of what psychiatrists call our ego boundaries. Ego boundaries normally protect us from from getting too emotionally close to too many people. When our ego boundaries collapse and we fall in love with someone, we feel very close and intimate with that person. We feel positive and happy all the time. We feel like anything is possible, that there are no limits to what we can do together. We feel we can overcome all obstacles and we will live in a state of bliss forever.

But this is not reality! Eventually, when lovers begin to have minor disagreements, or when the attractiveness that brought them together looses its appeal, they begin to realize that they will not live in bliss forever, and they begin to fall out of love. When they find themselves no longer in love, they can either end the relationship, or begin the work of building real, true love. True and lasting love sometimes can have its beginnings in an experience of falling in love.

Since falling in love involves a collapse of your ego boundaries and limits, you are not making effort to extend them. Real loving requires you to extend your limitations, expand your ego boundaries, and grow spiritually, all of which take effort and may be difficult and a challenge to accomplish. Falling in love, on the other hand, is easy and effortless.

Fourth, when you fall in love with someone it is usually not through your own conscious choice. Many times people fall in love with other people who are not really the best match for them. When you fall in love, you can feel "swept off your feet", that is, you loose control of your emotions and your rationality.

Finally, falling in love usually has nothing to do with one person's concern for the spiritual growth and development of the other. Rather, the main focus is the satisfaction of your own emotional and sexual desires. When you fall in love you tend to idolize each other and see each other as perfect and not in need of any kind of improvement or spiritual growth.